Ye Olde Forward: Down with Retarded Chain Letters

Here's a forward I got way back in 2000. It's really long, but it's worth reading. This is the first forward that made me laugh out loud. So, represented verbatim: DOWN WITH RETARDED CHAIN LETTERS.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)
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>Make a wish!!!
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>Really, go on and make one!!!
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>Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
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>Wish something else!!!
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>Not that, you pervert!!
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>Is your finger getting tired yet?
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>STOP!!!!
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Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
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Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!
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Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. >Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.
This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.
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Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of his crush doing the nasty with him to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will screw you in your sleep!!
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There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say, "#$@%CHAIN LETTERS!!"